everyone around me thinks i am always happy.
this is true (for the most part). what do i have to be unhappy about? i have Jesus, i have a great family who loves me, and amazing friends. not to sound, "my life is so great blah blah blah" but.... it kind of is. i mean, we all have our setbacks, things that we complain about. but life can't be perfect, and if i am taking into account the lives of a lot of others around me... my life is pretty damn good. i have been blessed beyond what i believe i deserve. anyway... this is not just a post about how great life is... so i'm going to jump to the nitty of it.
yesterday, i had a conversation with someone... he basically told me that it's very difficult to trust me because i hold back, and am (he didn't say this, but i can't find a better word for it) shady. shady meaning... he can't gauge who i really am and he believes that what he sees or observes in me, is... not the real me.
this is difficult to assess. i am not offended in anyway, my initial reaction was actually surprise. i'm a classic example of someone who cannot hide in any way, shape or form, what they feel because my facial expressions give me away. i'm a horrible liar, and if i am completely honest about it... there's really nothing for me to hide. sitting here writing this all out, i am still very much confused.
i responded in such way, because i am a weird person, i nodded, listened... and searched for reasons as to why i might be shady. told him that i do have a chameleon personality, mimicking those around me... but never really thought of that as shady... just my way of being comfortable and having those around me comfortable too. it's just something thats interesting to think about...
and thus ends another memorable hweshik. i also caught on fire last night and have a beautiful blister to show for it. i'm actually quite hesitant to pop it... we've become fast friends.
in two months. i will start the baking blog. i will (possibly, maybe not...) sell baked goods. i will bake... every.... (again, possibly.. maybe not) day! i will be a baker! i will follow my dreams! i will..... well. i don't really know, but i will (hopefully) be proactive and not wake up 50 years from now wishing i had done something i didn't do.
four more months. three and a half to be exact, and i will be done with my contract. partial year contract that turned into (almost) 2 year contract due to job issues. due to money issues. due to... issues. in general. and now we're back to decision making time again. feel like i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. what do i do and where do i do it. once i'm done doing what i gotta do... where do i go to continue doing whatever it is i'm doing...? the other night i had a dream i caught on fire. when i got a reminder that i needed to stop, drop and roll. 
the lady there just walks around. gives directions. and paints huge pictures on the windows. why not me.
i never realized what a strong bond we had, how much i relied on you to pick me up, to give me a little something extra during the day. in six days, we will be reunited. will you remember me? can you ever forgive me for deserting you? this relationship, i know, is borderline toxic... but how can something that feels so right, be wrong? i know i've never said it, but i think i'm ready now. absence has only made my heart grow fonder. i love you, sugar. always and forever. let's be together and never leave each other again. 
this blog has quickly taken a turn to the creeper, materialistic, shallow end of the pool. i guess now i'm just being more honest. the cards are on the table now. i am.... a sexual predator.
i'm sorry daniel henney, but that bleach job and dirty sanchez look you got going on isn't working for me. it's time to move on. it's not me, it's you. 
one of my favorite books. erin wasson be bustin' some greaser steeze here. too bad the girl in the far right looks like she might be a soc. maybe her name is cherry... my job is really taking over my life.
