i hate cake

understandably, it sounds like blasphemy. even to myself, to type it, even seems like blasphemy. but it must be said. i hate cake. i do not hate its taste, the spongy sheet, the frosting, if we dissect it bit by bit i don't even hate the butter, flour, eggs... in actuality, i love all these things, i love the moist crumb, the dense buttercream... i hate cake.

i hate cake because of its insistent desire to come between me and my jeans. ...or more appropriately, it's intense desire to come out. over. my jeans.

but it's important to love. so i took the ultimate sacrifice and enjoyed my third piece of cake just now. 3 minutes ago. and am still licking the delicious particles of dark chocolate enhanced by kona coffee out of my braces. braces-- the gift that keeps on giving. not only will they straighten my snaggles, but also provide little snacks for me here and there.

i've wanted to make a delicious chocolate cake ever since i saw the abandoned canister of hershey's dark cocoa powder in my mother's cabinet. i pilfered the said receptacle and hurried the lonely thing over to my own apartment, ready to dive into the classic recipe printed on back. (i remember the recipe on back being very good from my baking days as a fat kid.) but upon looking, i decided it might be good to make some changes. because you know, i see no changes, all i see is racist faces... and i wanted to change that.

i digress. here is the recipe for cake of awesome.

HERSHEY'S PERFECT CHOCOLATE CAKE...

adapted with added perfect to make more perfect than said perfect cake.

2 cups sugar

1 3/4 cups flour

3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder

2 tsp baking soda

1 tsp baking powder

1 tsp salt

2 eggs

1 cup buttermilk*

1 cup coffee

1/2 cup oil

2 tsp vanilla

combine dry ingredients in large bowl. in separate bowl mix together the eggs, buttermilk, (slightly cooled) coffee, oil and vanilla. in two equal parts, add the dry ingredients into wet. mix until just combined! pour into 9'' pan and bake at 350F for 45 minutes or until toothpick inserted in middle comes out with minimal crumb.

FOR ICING... cream 1 cup unsalted butter. in separate bowl sift 3 cups powdered sugar, and 3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa powder. add to the creamed butter and when incorporated, mix in 2 tsp vanilla, 4T milk, and a pinch of salt.

cut the cooled cake in half and decorate, make beautiful to heart's content. ...or you know, just cut off a piece of that sucka cake, drop a big booty scoop of icing on top and go to town.

don't literally go to town though. this cake does not look too attractive in teefs. believe me. i know.

* i used a cup of milk with 1T vinegar mixed in. not great for drinking, but does well for baking purposes in the seoul of korea where buttermilk is but a myth.